Glancing out the window, I see only shades of grey, white, and brown.
Considering it's late in the afternoon on a frigid day near the end of January in western New York, this observation probably doesn't stun most of you.
It's that lovely time of year when, rather predictably, almost everyone in this small (did I mention frigid yet?!) corner of the world is slowly sliding towards negativity and sheer dullness.
Too much greyness, you see, silently but effectively wears a person out. It's hard to notice it happening, unless you're watching carefully for it.
You begin to fray around the edges, unraveling a tiny bit at a time. Imperceptibly, tirelessly, it whittles away at your energy, your creativity, even your sense of wonder surrounding life and this wide, wide world.
Not coincidentally, I noticed a lot of articles pop up in magazines and on the internet about "how to be happy." At the same time - and this was an actual coincidence - I read a book that explored happiness and success, and it laid out a formula (or series of steps, I guess) explaining how a person can reach that state.
The underlying theme in all these readings is about how happiness (and success, I suppose, since they were grouped together by some of these self-help writers) is a choice. Simple as that. It's a conscious shift in perception in which you choose to focus on the positive, keep moving forward, and throw off all your baggage from the past.
To some degree, I can agree with that. I've seen people who consistently choose to be miserable and discontent, fixated on the negative and refusing to open their eyes to all the good that surrounds them. I've also witnessed people in awful circumstances who choose to see the best in their situation and continue clinging to those crazy sentiments of hope, contentedness, and joy.
But right now, in this place, it's so grey.
Can happiness truly be reduced to a simple choice? Going with this idea a little further, is depression just some weakness of the mind? This is where I don't buy the simplified theory that happiness is purely a choice. You see, there's a girl I know who has been diagnosed with depression. She's a wonderfully kind human being (much nicer than me); I could hardly imagine meeting anyone more thoughtful and generous. I struggle to believe she's made a choice to be unhappy.
Greyness - whether the physical grey I used to describe my environment in late January in western New York, or the greyness that descends on a person who's chronically falling into depression - doesn't seem to always respond to our "choice" to be happy or not. Yes, I think some people decide to be grumpy about anything and everything, while others stick with being unflappably optimistic, but sometimes, greyness just settles in for a long, unwelcome stay.
I've never experienced the greyness that settles into a person's soul, blocking out the joy and hope that belong there, but I'm guessing it's something like the endless grey sky I'm peering at outside. There's no end in any direction and little variation in the bland color that stretches over the snow-covered landscape, but there's one thing I'm certain of.
Somewhere behind that formidable grey expanse, there's a sun waiting to burst through.
1.30.2011
1.17.2011
me: 1, procrastination: 0 (for today, at least)
Procrastination is one of my oldest and most faithful friends. It's followed me from birth right up to this very day. It's a strange friend, since it's appearance constantly shifts. The most common, and therefore dull, form is facebook. (Anyone with internet access could tell you that.) That form leaves you feeling empty, bored, and vaguely confused about how you ended up on your best friend's cousin's boyfriend's former roommate's brother's facebook page. Don't even try and deny that hasn't happened to you.
There are certainly more positive forms that Procrastination can take. For instance, sometimes I manage to get other work done (not the work that's the priority though, of course). Avoiding whatever it is that I need to do often results in me cleaning, reading, cooking, organizing, exercising...which are all good for me in the long run.
One of my favorite forms of Procrastination is looking back into the past. I'm hopelessly nostalgic, and I love to look at old pictures and read old journals and letters. Life is so much easier to comprehend when you look back on it - as opposed to whatever opaque, complex situation you might find yourself in at the present.
Anyway, my dear old friend Procrastination came around this weekend. I have been "working on" my applications to North Park's Seminary and Business School for about five months now, and was determined to finish them off this weekend. I pulled both applications out yesterday to check what still needed to be completed and if anything needed some final editing. My Seminary application was done and I was satisfied with it, but I still needed to finish the essay for the Business school application. I decided to get that done by tonight.
Well, after going out to coffee with friends, then going to the gym (for the record, I dearly love BOTH those forms of procrastination), I sat down at my computer.
And I thought about blogging.
That's right. This very blog almost became the next form of Procrastination. Luckily, I couldn't settle on what I should write about, so I finally gave in and finished my essay.
Take that, Procrastination. Don't feel too bad; you win every morning when it's time to get out of bed, so you'll be taking me down in about 7 1/2 hours.
There are certainly more positive forms that Procrastination can take. For instance, sometimes I manage to get other work done (not the work that's the priority though, of course). Avoiding whatever it is that I need to do often results in me cleaning, reading, cooking, organizing, exercising...which are all good for me in the long run.
One of my favorite forms of Procrastination is looking back into the past. I'm hopelessly nostalgic, and I love to look at old pictures and read old journals and letters. Life is so much easier to comprehend when you look back on it - as opposed to whatever opaque, complex situation you might find yourself in at the present.
Anyway, my dear old friend Procrastination came around this weekend. I have been "working on" my applications to North Park's Seminary and Business School for about five months now, and was determined to finish them off this weekend. I pulled both applications out yesterday to check what still needed to be completed and if anything needed some final editing. My Seminary application was done and I was satisfied with it, but I still needed to finish the essay for the Business school application. I decided to get that done by tonight.
Well, after going out to coffee with friends, then going to the gym (for the record, I dearly love BOTH those forms of procrastination), I sat down at my computer.
And I thought about blogging.
That's right. This very blog almost became the next form of Procrastination. Luckily, I couldn't settle on what I should write about, so I finally gave in and finished my essay.
Take that, Procrastination. Don't feel too bad; you win every morning when it's time to get out of bed, so you'll be taking me down in about 7 1/2 hours.
1.02.2011
maintaining sanity
Now that the whirlwind that was the last two weeks of my life has died down a bit, I can get back to this ridiculous blogging phase.
The last half of December was wonderfully filled up with people, trips, and parties (and a surprisingly small amount of time at work). It felt surreal. Carefree. Honestly though, it could have been a trainwreck.
The holidays have a two-sided reputation. They're either portrayed as this magical, sparkly time of family-bonding, cookie-eating, carol-singing, peace-on-earth-goodwill-towards-men utopia...or they're labeled as a pseudo-apocalypse in which the entire family is alternating between frantically popping pills, shopping, cooking, cleaning, and having meltdowns before the New Year even hits.
This year, I found a good balance between those two opposing circumstances. I somehow managed to both find the time to slow down and break from my ridiculously packed schedule and also have a great time with dozens of people I love and never get to see enough of. Ultimately, I was able to run around and have an amazing time without losing my head. Looking back, there's a few key things that made this balance work:
1. I prioritized my people.
To clarify..that doesn't mean that I went through and ranked all the people I could've seen, crossing ones off the list that I didn't feel like being around. However, I knew who I absolutely HAD to see and I made sure it happened. My parents got me all to themselves for an entire six days. And they didn't even get sick of me. Favorite child? Obviously..
2. I learned to say no!
This one's difficult. So many people to see in only a couple days....it's a mathmatical nightmare trying to figure out how to add hours to a day that's already full. Plus, I definitely stayed out past my grown-up bedtime pretty much every day last week. As New Years Eve approached and I started to figure out my plans, I realized that if I spent another night up until obscene hours of the morning, there was a good chance I'd die within the first week of January. I ended up turning down invitations to 3 parties and instead stayed in for the night with two of my best friends. Not a bad way to start off 2011:)
3. I stayed spontaneous.
As I'm sure I've said before, routines and schedules make me choke a little. I don't want to end up as an uptight, deadline-obsessed, always-color-in-the-lines-or-SO-HELP-ME-GOD kind of girl. Maybe I should eventually be on time for things. Maybe not. Either way, I let myself make plans on the go a lot over the holidays, such as last night. I started at Starbucks with a bunch of friends from camp, but Sarah, Sondra, and I ended up letting Todd convince us to go to the Flipside Cafe in Bemus. He challenged us to a round of Just Dance on the Wii...which I'd normally turn down...but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Todd ended up schooling us all.
4. I drank an unholy amount of caffeine.
If people try and tell you that caffeine's bad for you, tune them out. They clearly don't know what they're talking about. You can nod and smile if you'd like, but don't listen to all the lies pouring out of their mouth. The truth is, caffeine helps me every single day of my life. Especially during the holidays. All the sleep I never got was quickly and easily replaced by the multiple coffee drinks I consumed throughout the day.
The moral of the story is, if you follow these four steps next year, the holidays won't own you. In fact, you might even like them.
The last half of December was wonderfully filled up with people, trips, and parties (and a surprisingly small amount of time at work). It felt surreal. Carefree. Honestly though, it could have been a trainwreck.
The holidays have a two-sided reputation. They're either portrayed as this magical, sparkly time of family-bonding, cookie-eating, carol-singing, peace-on-earth-goodwill-towards-men utopia...or they're labeled as a pseudo-apocalypse in which the entire family is alternating between frantically popping pills, shopping, cooking, cleaning, and having meltdowns before the New Year even hits.
This year, I found a good balance between those two opposing circumstances. I somehow managed to both find the time to slow down and break from my ridiculously packed schedule and also have a great time with dozens of people I love and never get to see enough of. Ultimately, I was able to run around and have an amazing time without losing my head. Looking back, there's a few key things that made this balance work:
1. I prioritized my people.
To clarify..that doesn't mean that I went through and ranked all the people I could've seen, crossing ones off the list that I didn't feel like being around. However, I knew who I absolutely HAD to see and I made sure it happened. My parents got me all to themselves for an entire six days. And they didn't even get sick of me. Favorite child? Obviously..
2. I learned to say no!
This one's difficult. So many people to see in only a couple days....it's a mathmatical nightmare trying to figure out how to add hours to a day that's already full. Plus, I definitely stayed out past my grown-up bedtime pretty much every day last week. As New Years Eve approached and I started to figure out my plans, I realized that if I spent another night up until obscene hours of the morning, there was a good chance I'd die within the first week of January. I ended up turning down invitations to 3 parties and instead stayed in for the night with two of my best friends. Not a bad way to start off 2011:)
3. I stayed spontaneous.
As I'm sure I've said before, routines and schedules make me choke a little. I don't want to end up as an uptight, deadline-obsessed, always-color-in-the-lines-or-SO-HELP-ME-GOD kind of girl. Maybe I should eventually be on time for things. Maybe not. Either way, I let myself make plans on the go a lot over the holidays, such as last night. I started at Starbucks with a bunch of friends from camp, but Sarah, Sondra, and I ended up letting Todd convince us to go to the Flipside Cafe in Bemus. He challenged us to a round of Just Dance on the Wii...which I'd normally turn down...but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Todd ended up schooling us all.
4. I drank an unholy amount of caffeine.
If people try and tell you that caffeine's bad for you, tune them out. They clearly don't know what they're talking about. You can nod and smile if you'd like, but don't listen to all the lies pouring out of their mouth. The truth is, caffeine helps me every single day of my life. Especially during the holidays. All the sleep I never got was quickly and easily replaced by the multiple coffee drinks I consumed throughout the day.
The moral of the story is, if you follow these four steps next year, the holidays won't own you. In fact, you might even like them.
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