You're probably going to want to take a second to pause and take a deep breath.
Because I have something terrible to disclose in this blog post. Something I have been dreading for years is overtaking me, and I doubt that I can elude it any longer.
Lately, I've been rather suspicious that my life is approaching a watershed moment in which the Grown-up part of me overcomes the kid. Ever since graduating from Allegheny, I've been uder the impression that Grown-up Rachel was just this part I played whenever it was absolutely necessary. It was kind of like flipping a switch. Need to appear mature and make a good impression? Flick.
For most of the last year and a half, my life changed so drastically - and kept changing - that I viewed everything through a lens of curiousity and newness. Even when things got difficult or I lost my confidence, I still found consolation in the idea that I hardly even considered myself an adult. Being a kid and feeling inadequate or lost isn't nearly as frightening as being an adult with those feelings.
Children are allowed to feel that way. Adults are not. Not that I actually believe grown-ups can't feel confused or disoriented..there's just a voice in my head that tells me (in a firm voice) that is not acceptable for me. One of these days, I should really get around to telling that voice to shove it.
Anyways, that feeling of novelty and constant transition that colored my post-college life until the end of 2010 has faded. I've been working at my Americorps job for four months already. I've lived in this apartment for close to five months. My weekly schedule (more accurately, my Sunday-Thursday schedule) has been pretty much set for the last few months. Between helping out the youth group at church and going to the gym, or both, those nights are regularly filled.
The good thing is, I'm not bored with my life. I've realized that giving into a normal schedule doesn't mean things automatically get frustratingly dull. Days at my job are never the same; a better way of putting it is that we have no idea what crazy situations we'll deal with each day. Working with the youth group is certainly not boring either. Jr. and Sr. High kids are anything but predictable. Even my trips to the gym vary. Is running going to make me hate life tonight? Is today finally going to be the day I fall off the treadmill? (There have been some close calls. It's harder than it looks..)
Despite the fact I'm not bored with my schedule, I can't pretend my life hasn't fallen into a regular rhythm. The strange thing is, I've gradually come to accept it. The fact that I'm no longer paranoid about becoming a grown-up with a consistent schedule has brought me to an uncomfortable conclusion.
Whether or not I recognized it, my Grown-up(ness) has been passing right by my child(ness) for the last couple of months, and it's starting to feel pretty natural. My Peter Pan-like fear of growing up and accepting any fragment of stability has diminished without me even noticing.
Now, I have to make one thing clear. All this does not mean I'm abandoning my dream of living on a pirate ship and sailing all over the world with my friends. That will always be Plan A, obviously. But until that happens, I'm going to cautiously let Grown-up Rachel into my life a little bit at a time and see what happens.
In the meantime, keep an eye open for any ships, just in case this experiment doesn't exactly work out.
