If someone was to read through my blog, they might be left with the impression that i had (for the most part) successfully adjusted to a Grown-up's life.
In a lot of ways, I have definitely acclimated to this different life over the past two years. I don't see any benefit to dwelling in the past, longing for the way things were in college, or even before that. The only healthy option is to move on and keep my eyes wide open for the good parts in the newest chapter of my life - and there are a lot of good things.
This all sounds pretty reasonable so far, right?
Well..I recently hit a snag in this whole 'healthy, forward-moving, well-adjusted' attitude. The catalyst for this setback was last weekend.
For any of you who live around here, you'll know that last weekend was basically a quick taste of summer. The weather was beautiful, Memorial Day's a week away, and Chautauqua County is finally waking up after an eternally long winter and a sloppy, cold spring. I got to spend all sorts of time with my friends, go hiking in the gorge, lay out in the sun, and stay out much too late in Bemus.
And then Monday hit. It felt like I was abruptly clotheslined by the reality that not only was my two-day taste of summer over, but summer as I've know it for the last 23 summers does not apply to my life this year. For the first time, I will be working indoors this summer at an office job. What makes this a particularly bitter pill to swallow is that 4 out of my last 5 summers were spent at Camp Mission Meadows - which I have absolutely loved - and it's harder to let go of than I'd anticipated.
Now, I have to pause for a moment and run down another trail of thought. In order to give a balanced perspective on all this, I need to mention that I'm lucky enough to like my desk job. I've learned a ton over the past 7 months about both my hometown and the challenges faced by the most vulnerable and economically impoverished part of the population. I've discovered more of my own limitations, gifts, and how I want to help make an impact in this broken, crazy world during my rather short stay here.
Unfortunately, keeping a positive perspective (i.e. one in which I focus on the good things about my current situation, as opposed to what I'll miss about camp) has taken quite a blow as summer approaches. For the last few days, my mind's been wrapped around thoughts of Mission Meadows and all the people I will miss there. That place - more accurately, that ministry - has commandeered such a large part of my heart that as June approaches, it's starting to sting as I attempt to reconcile myself to not working there.
No matter how much I like my current job, working at camp blows most jobs out of the water. I love being outside, being active, living around a ton of people who just genuinely want to have a great time, take care of each other, and seek out God through everything. Over the years, I've seen so many people changed, built up, and restored by that ministry - and I know that's not something you can find just anywhere.
In the end, I know I'll be fine (I always am eventually). I'll still get to spend plenty of time at camp on evenings and weekends. Plus, I have a lot of other things to look forward to this summer, like watching the Yankees crush the Indians at Cleveland and spending a week in Pittsburgh. Beyond that, there are even some advantages to not working at camp. I'll have more control over my time and schedule. I won't drive myself to sheer exhaustion by the end of the summer. I can sleep in my own bed, eat what I want to eat; basically, I'll get to take better care of myself this summer.
Honestly, all those benefits I just listed sound rather hollow and substanceless right now, but I've simply got to keep my eyes trained on the positive stuff. Ultimately, everything comes to an end, including working at camp. I can either handle it with grace or get mired down in wistful nostalgia, it's my choice.
Lately, I haven't exactly felt like handling it gracefully...or with any kind of maturity. I hear this crazy voice (everyone hears that once in a while..right?) telling me to run as fast as I can to escape any commitment that's weighing down on me and just do what I want. It tries to tell me that I'm trading in my dreams and ideals for security and some "normal" life. It tells me that if my life isn't filled with adventures all the time, then I'm selling myself short of the life I actually want.
The problem with that crazy voice is that it only speaks up when I'm discontent. I know I'm not basing my decisions on simply what's safe, secure, stable, "normal," or anything resembling that. I'm not steering my life towards dreams of wealth, a 401k, a husband and 2 kids by age 30, the white picket fence/American dream that so many people (still!) think will completely fulfill and satisfy them. Since I'm not chasing all that, I think I sometimes forget that just because some elements of my life seem to fit into that stereotype (namely, having a 9-5 office job), it doesn't mean I'm selling out to the average middle class ideal and abandoning the very different sort of life I want.
That's more than enough thinking for today. I'll end by chalking this whole internal debate up into this: sometimes I'm at peace with where my life's at, sometimes I'm not. There are times I yearn to put some roots down and just be still for awhile, and times I want to break all ties and let the current sweep me away to something new. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way; I think pretty much everyone does. All I can do is accept that I'm a work in progress who has so much to learn and live through, and I'm pretty excited to see how this life turns out.
