where's the off button?

I find myself with an unexpected block of time in which I’m free to simply sit and think. This doesn’t happen all that often, and my mind is uncertainly fumbling around with this agenda-less, purpose-less window of time.

I’ve discovered that I have somewhat taken on my mom’s habit of chronically doing things at all times – I say ‘somewhat’ because I am (thank goodness) still able to at least sit down and enjoy watching a movie in a completely relaxed, reclined position.. whereas my mom inevitably finds some project to work on whenever she sits down to “watch” a movie. Five minutes into a movie, she’s baked 8 dozen cupcakes and sewed a quilt.

Anyways, as I sit here with the freedom to let my mind wander off to do whatever it wants or go wherever it will go, I am distinctly aware of how much my brain has been trained to focus, to produce something, to not just sit in idleness. (Hence…the creation of this blog.) The concept of a blank mind discomforts me. Clearing my head so it has no direction, no pursuit of anything, no aim – even for a little while – seems not only pointless, but almost alien to my nature.

However, it makes me wonder. I question why I function this way. Is this merely how I was created? Is this how I’m supposed to be, always letting my mind roll, move, and turn things over? Or maybe this is a symptom of how my environment’s affected me. Does living in America often do this to a person – the land of productivity, efficiency, innovation, workaholics, the American Dream of single-mindedly reaching for more and more and more…?

Most of my blogs have ended with some attempt at answering questions or probing for a deeper understanding of whatever I’m experiencing. After all, that’s how we’re taught to write – you pick a topic or make an argument, then meld it to fit into the format of an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. (I’m doing it right this moment.)

Only, this time my ‘conclusion’ doesn’t really have any answers in it. No thrust of an argument, no hypothesis, no sweeping statement of why this is this or that is that. I’m just curious as to why my brain is always twisting and turning, constantly restless, forever reaching toward something or another. Why I can’t naturally grasp or embrace a deep sense of stillness and be OK with a mind that’s not in motion. Even when I pray, there’s no prolonged period of quietness or waiting for something; I’m continually seeking something out.

This isn’t to say I’m never a peace with things – I often am – but I just haven’t learned how to let my mind rest without an agenda, a goal, an inquiry. I have this hunch that there’s extraordinary value in the ability to sit and let things wash over you, instead of eternally chasing our waves of thought back and forth. I’m just not sure how to do it yet.