confessions of a new year

Why hello, 2012.

Since there was nothing I could do to stop you from coming, even if I wanted to, I've decided to welcome you.

So the year I turn a quarter of a century old, move to Chicago, and start both God school and Business school has arrived. 2012 is merely 3 days old, and it's already got me all stirred up about the changes that are about to spring up in my life. Before I get all wrapped up in the new adventures I'm rushing into, I want to take a second to pause, sit down, and look backward at what I've discovered over the last year - especially these last two months or so during my vacation from Real Life. The way I see it, in order to find out what I'm looking for in life and where I'm heading, I better know where I am right now.

Here are a few confessions of what I've found out about myself (and things far beyond me) recently.

In honor of the millions of New Years resolutions around the world concerning exercise this time of years, let's start with this one:

1). Running is awful.

I've been trying to convince myself for over a year now that I enjoy running. Alright, 25% of the time, it's ok. The other 75%? It's terrible!

I don't mind running if there's a purpose to it, like kicking a soccer ball or chasing down a frisbee. Running just for the sake of running? Siick. The heart pounding so hard you just know it's on the verge of bursting, the lungs gasping for air but never getting enough, the cramp in your side that won't go away, so you just grit your teeth and run through the pain.

2). Running is great!

Here's the catch - no matter how much I sometimes despise running, I have to keep it up. It's not just because it's good for my body, either. Running teaches me things all the time.

It teaches me to push beyond my own limits and exceed the goals I've set. When I've been running for a while and feel myself starting to slow down, I immediately start looking for some landmark in the distance I can stop at. I push and I push some more, and suddenly, I'm there. And I realize I haven't dropped dead yet. In fact, I can go just a bit farther, and then a bit farther after that. By the time I stop to stretch or walk, I've reminded myself again to never underestimate what I can do.

Running also teaches me that sometimes the present is just brutal, but the only way to make it to a better future is to just. keep. going. One foot. The other foot. Keep breathing. Train your eyes ahead of you, never behind or down. If I gave in every time things got hard and refused to put some effort into pushing through it, I would never gain even a tiny bit of strength or determination.

3). Everyone loses their minds sometimes, and it's ok.

The past two months of my vacation from Real Life, besides giving me time to finally rest up and get ready for the jump into 4(ish) years of graduate school, left me with plenty of time inside my own head.

Now I'm a relatively stable, sane person. Ask any of my close friends over the years, and they'll vouch that I barely even have tear ducts. I don't run around seeking, creating, or stirring up drama. Emotional crises are so rare within me, I can hardly even recognize them when they try to attack.

However, two months of more downtime and solitude than I've experienced since... um... ever.... is bound to mess with a girl's head.

The simple truth is, our minds are screwed up places sometimes. We can treat ourselves far more harshly than we'd ever treat another human being, even a stranger. Things get twisted, broken, even poisoned in our heads if we don't watch ourselves. And when your mind's a mess, you're inevitably going to take it out on some unlucky person who crosses paths with you.

The good news is, we're all crazy like this sometimes. It's nice to know there are plenty of other loonies out there - an estimated 7 billion - who go through similar self-induced agony like yours and mine. So next time you start beating yourself up for one crazy reason or another, do yourself a favor and find someone to hang out with who's nicer to you than you are to yourself (which at that point might be anyone. Really, anyone. Just try not to mention to a stranger who you're introducing yourself to that you're currently involved in mentally abusing...yourself. Leave that conversation for the next time you two are hanging out.)

4). Growing up's not hard to do.

Think about it. Think how many Grownups there are in your town, city, state, country, the world; they're EVERYWHERE. Bunches and bunches of them. Hordes of them. It's clearly not difficult to become one. Take a second to think of all the... not-so-smart... Grownups you know. If they can become a Grownup, you can too, so try not to stress out about wondering if or when you'll really become a Grownup.

5). Leading a Grownup life you love is hard to do.

I'm not talking about just being contented or satisfied with your Grownup life. I'm talking about living a richly inspired joy-filled Grownup life.

Let's be honest, the American Dream for the Grownup has some serious flaws. It's hardly even worth going over all the misconceptions it's spread, but here's a quick run through:

*Money isn't everything. If fact, it often makes things much, much worse.
*Having tons of stuff is just going to weigh you down (both literally and in your soul).
*Appearance never matters in the long run. A pretty face masking a rotten heart; a picture perfect house in which a family has broken to pieces; the absurdly impressive resume of a person who's never enjoyed their job, not even for a day. All those beautiful-looking things are empty and lifeless, and will eventually be revealed as such.

Have you met a Grownup who genuinely loves their life? I hope so. It's a pretty great thing. Without even noticing exactly when or how, they've become the person they were designed to be. They're comfortable with who they are and have this natural understanding of how to live fully, richly, joyfully.

I'm not entirely sure how to do this yet, but I'm somewhere on my way towards this. I think it has a lot to do with searching out who you are without letting people or forces compel you to turn a different way. Sometimes people can help you through this process, as long as they're genuinely interested in helping you discover your passions and dreams. Others will try to push you towards paths that aren't yours, usually thinking they're "helping" you or teaching you "how the world works."

Why should we ever care how the world works if it's not "working" in a way that inspires us? Let's all do ourselves a favor this new year and stop trying to make ourselves fit molds we were never created to fit. Take a little time to find within yourself the things that make you ignite and glow, then strive to become the person you always knew you wanted to be. Don't ever settle for anything less.

Happy New Year everyone, and I hope this next trip around the sun is unbelievably good to you.