There's a reason I didn't get around to blogging until the last day of September (and that my post was pathetically short). It's the same reason my last two months have been a blur and my mind's been stuck on high gear, winding and winding away.
A problem has developed since the end of August. Life has subtly, gradually, ruthlessly become a bit unbalanced over here in the Windy City. My schedule is packed and bursting at the seams, and all the things I do - things I (mostly) care about and have chosen - have become embittered by a deficit of time, energy, and passion, as I have tried and failed to meet my superhuman expectations for all of them.
You see, I have a disease. I like to call it the Superwoman Syndrome, and I know I'm not the only one to suffer from it. There's this stubborn, strong-willed, perfectionist part of me that has recently taken up a dictatorship in my head. As my responsibilities and commitments have grown this semester at North Park, the superwoman side of me has stepped in to run the show. She tyrannizes over the rest of me, telling me I need to be working more, studying more, putting more effort in, spending less time on "things that don't matter" (like having fun and carving out time to simply find joy in life). And after all that, she tells me I'm still not good enough.
If my mind was just occupied by this Superwoman Syndrome, maybe I'd be OK with those ruthlessly perfectionist tendencies. I'd be scary as hell, but at least I'd be alright knowing I was 100% behind that driven, high-achievement seeking woman.
But I'm not. Superwoman doesn't hold a monopoly over my mind, and a few of that tyrant's subjects are not exactly happy with her at the moment. There's a large part of my head that acknowledges my need for joy, adventure, and creativity - making things simply for the sake of making them, not producing them with an assigned purpose, criteria, and impending evaluation. This part of me likes taking mini-adventures in the city, cooking, writing, making up stories with friends (generally revolving around the perennial Pirate Ship saga), playing the piano. It makes me incredibly sad to know how little I've seen this side of me this fall. I haven't been completely unfun, but man, there just hasn't been enough of this.
Besides Superwoman and the joy-seeking part of me, there's another part of me I've often been ignoring lately. Honestly, I've been avoiding this one most of my life. Part of me is messed up, imperfect, flawed, ugly, angry, lost, judgmental, scared... human. God, how I hate this part of me sometimes.
Did anyone else think that as you grew up, the screwed-up side of you would get smaller, or less powerful, or just go away altogether? Even though I wouldn't necessarily have said I thought it would go away, part of me really believed I could shake it. Being in Seminary throws this dilemma into sharp relief. Studying God, reading about God, meditating on God, praying to God, learning about God. Knowing we're supposed to look to Jesus as who we model our life after, but at the end of the day, I'm definitely still not Jesus.
Christian or not, we all have to deal with our uglier side eventually. Some people deny the ways they're messed up, some prefer to blame others, some come to hate themselves because they can't get rid of their brokenness, some celebrate their flaws and perhaps even flaunt them. All I'm hoping to do is look them straight in the eye, let them know I see them, and quit buying into the lie that I'll ever get past all my weaknesses.
The flawed and the joyful parts of me have been ignored and diminished far too long this fall. It's time to throw a coup and knock Superwoman off the throne. The funny thing is, I don't even think she'll object too much. There hasn't been any part of me that's enjoyed the overwhelmingly anxious cloud that's been following me around this semester, not even the tyrant that's partly to blame. The pursuit of perfection, marked by setting hopelessly high standards, is not the way to live a life. At least it's not the way I can live my life. I guess it's time to go have fun and maybe even mess up a bit.
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