my top 5: things to fear at seminary

There are all sorts of inspirational sayings and quotes about not letting fear cast a shadow on your life or influence your decisions. Sayings like “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself” [FDR]. There are numerous passages in scripture about standing firm against fear of people or things of this world and how God is the only one we should ever fear.

These quotes all sound great, really. Especially when they make it into movies as soundbites you hear while epic music is playing in the background and the hero is saving the day, against all odds.

Funnily enough, when it comes to real life, they don’t hold as much traction. Deep down, we’re all a bunch of scaredy-cats (in one way or another), trying to convince ourselves we have things under control as the world goes spinning by.

We especially feel fear when change is on the horizon. In barely over two months, I’ll be finished with my Americorps position in Jamestown. I’ll spend the rest of the year as a beach bum at my parents’ house in South Carolina. I can honestly say I’m not too afraid of that transition.

However, then I start North Park Seminary in January. New city. New place. New people. The fear associated with those changes are manageable to me. It’s being a student at the Seminary that’s flipping me out a little. After some thought, I’ve identified the top 5 things are making me nervous.

1. Actually being at Seminary

This may sound strange, but bear with me here. Firstly, I’m afraid of getting caught in the bubble that exists at pretty much every college campus or close-knit community. I don’t want my perspective to get so skewed that I stop paying attention to or caring about what’s going on outside of North Park. I definitely don’t want to get so comfortable there that I stop being challenged and lose contact with people who think differently than me.

I’m also nervous about the people at Seminary. I keep thinking they’re going to be wayyy too serious. Working at camp for 4 out of the last 6 summers , plus working with the youth at my church for the last 2 years, has kept me pretty young at heart (a.k.a. immature? That’s a good possibility..). Beyond that, I’ll be one of the younger students at Seminary. I feel like I’ll be laughing inappropriately during class and making jokes about all the wrong things, while my fellow students shake their heads and pray for me to grow up. I’m worried they’re going to try and make every conversation super heavy and deep. I can picture me in the corner, scheming about pranking my next door neighbors or plotting to run away from school on a pirate ship, while the other students are debating various theological doctrines and whatnot. This leads to my next fear, which is…

2. People wondering what on earth I’m doing in Seminary (and how I got in)

Funny thing is, I wouldn’t have guessed I’d end up in Seminary if you’d asked me a few years ago. Plans change. What I want to do with my life hasn’t changed drastically over the last couple of years, but my route to getting there has. I’m OK with that, and I’m OK knowing God’s plan for my life isn’t always going to match up with the ideas I had…but Seminary was kind of a surprise, even for me. If someone who didn’t know me well looked back on what I’ve studied (history, political science, and Spanish at a secular liberal arts school) and what I want to be (namely, that I don’t want to be a pastor at this point), they’d be understandably confused about why I am in Seminary. Some people don’t even think women should be in Seminary.

The reason I’m going back to school and the reason I’m pursuing two Masters Degrees at North Park (Masters of Divinity and Masters of Non-profit Administration) is so I can run a faith-based nonprofit organization one day. There are many other ways to do that beyond the route I’m taking, but I think this dual program between the Business school and Seminary is the best way to prepare me. I’m excited for all that I’ll learn at the Seminary (I get to study Hebrew, Greek, biblical studies courses, church history, and all sorts of things). I just need to keep remembering that despite my youth and the fact I don’t really want to be a pastor – in other words, despite the fact I don’t feel like I am going to fit the mold of a lot of the other students – the things that are different about me are only going to add to the community there.

3. College loans

Finances. Ew.

I am lucky enough to not be under a staggering amount of debt from undergrad, but I still loathe the idea of taking out more loans, even if they’re small ones. Psychologically, it’s painful to go from spending 2+ years (post-graduation from Allegheny) making money to reverting back to taking out college loans.

Technically, this can all be resolved by faking my own death at the end of school. However, that plan seems somewhat complicated and leaves too much room for disaster, so I guess I’ll just have to pay my loans back. Maybe I’ll be done by the time I’m 40 (fingers crossed).

4. Committing to a 4-5 year program

That’s right, you read that correctly. 4-5 YEARS. Do you have any idea how old I’ll be by then?!? 29. 29 years old. 29 times around the sun. 4-5 years is such a long time to be (mostly) in one place, doing (mostly) the same thing. I know I’ll get to leave to do internships, plus I’ll be living in one of the greatest cities in this country, but still…

Commitment is terrifying.

5. Last but not least, Wife-hunters.

If this one doesn’t sound like it’s a legitimate fear, you’ve clearly never met a single Christian guy who is deadset on finding a wife. As fast as possible. Factor in that the guys at Seminary are future pastors (who feel enormous pressure to find a wife before settling down with a congregation), and you should start to feel this fear too. I find it vaguely disturbing that currently my #1 reason I would want to get married soon is so I don’t have to deal with Wife-hunters and their crazy antics. They’re frightening in their single-minded quest to find a Mrs. and start a family.

I’m not anti-marriage or anything, but I don’t think people should get married out of fear that they have to be married by a certain age or life stage. And they definitely shouldn’t be obsessed with finding a spouse. It’ll happen when it happens…there’s no use in wasting the best years of your life scheming various ways to hunt them down and convince them to marry you.


That rounds out my top 5 fears and I think they're pretty legit at this point. It's not like I'm going to let fear stop me from going to North Park - I just think it's better to get my anxiety out into the open so it's not eating at my mind or growing any bigger than it already is. Like any other feeling, fear will fade away. One day, I'm sure I'll look back on this time in my life and not remember why I ever felt any of those fears; they'll probably look ridiculous. That's alright, since there's a little bit of the ridiculous in everything. I just hope I can remember that after I've gone through Seminary.